Wednesday, July 12, 2017

You Love Me, Mommy

A month into parenting two and let me tell you, it's not easy. Some aspects are easier this go around but over all it takes more strategy, better prioritizing, more work, less sleep, and asking for more help. It definitely "takes a village". Beringer is helpful one minute and not so much the next. His little world has turned upside down and he's handling it like a champ. He loves his baby brother and wants to love and kiss on him all the time. If Boston is not in the same room as Beringer, he wants to know why. He waits for him to wake up in the mornings and when he sees him starting to stir he tells me, "He's waking up!", then he will get right next to Boston and say, "Good morning, Boston James!". Over all, it's been a great transition with no major issues but let me tell you about the one thing that broke my heart just a little bit. 

I knew Beringer would need that one on one special time with both mommy and daddy after Boston's arrival. We had each been taking time with him throughout the day to do just that.  One morning, probably a week after Boston was born, Beringer woke up and he was upset and crying. He wanted to lay in a certain spot, a certain way etc, and nothing I was doing would suffice. I woke Josh up and told him to take Boston from me because I thought Beringer maybe just wanted me to snuggle him. When I handed Boston over, I turned back to Beringer with my arms open and said, "Come here, baby. Let me love on you". He came into my arms and I pulled him in close when he asked," You love me, Mommy?" Guys, my world literally stopped for a half second. My sight became blurry because of the tears and I whispered in his ear, "I love you so much.  I love you more than you will ever know." I kissed him all over his face and kept telling him how much I loved him.  He asked twice more during all of this but the questions then turned to statements. Rather than, "You love me, Mommy?" They turned into you, "You love me,  Mommy!". 
Later that day I was playing the scene over in my mind and I just thought,  "He should never have to ask or wonder". He is my first born! He made me a mommy. He will never understand how I watched him sleep at night as an infant because I wanted to make sure he was breathing.  How I would listen to his every sound.  How I watch him and become over joyed when he's accomplished a new task. How i love the way he says the word chocolate, or remote. How I hurt for him when he is hurt, physically or emotionally.  How I have noticed every freckle and the gaps between his teeth.  He is just like me in nearly every way and I'd never be able to deny him.  Yet, he sat before me that very morning and asked if I loved him because he needed reassurance. 

Aren't we like that though? Things start to change in our life and maybe it gets pretty uncomfortable. We start questioning God and need his reassurance. "Hey, God, everything is still okay, right?",  "You still love me,  God?"
He tells us time and time again of his love for us. The hair on our head is numbered. He loved us so much,  he sent his Son. Yet, we ask. Can you imagine what goes through His mind or how he feels when we ask Him? "How can he not know how much I love him?" "Does she not understand how much she is cherished by Me?" I think you get the idea. 

How I want so much for my sons to never question my love for them. I know this is probably the first of hopefully just a handful of times they ask if I love them.  I pray when I fail them in that area, (because I know I will), they  will never wonder about God's love for them and they'll come to me if they need reassurance of my love and let me whisper in their ear, "I love you" until that little question in their mind once again becomes an exclamation. 

If you're reading this,  I love you. God loves you way more! 

Until next time,  

Friday, April 14, 2017

To My Sons

Baby Boston,

I am going to be honest with you when I say, "I don't know how to do this". I don't know what having another child in my world will be like. Will I give you enough attention? Will your brother get enough attention? Can I do it? Sometimes I feel like I'm going to go crazy with just your older brother. Will having another son make me lose all sanity?
We have almost 7 weeks until your due date and I have nothing ready for you. I don't know where to start. So much time and effort was put into things I thought would be important when I was pregnant with your brother. I now know, looking back, it wasn't necessary and somewhat a waste of time and energy. So I choose to skip those things this time around and make sure you have necessities. Diapers, clothes, and a place to sleep.

In all the questions, all the unknown; I want you to know one thing. No matter what, you are loved. Above the confusion, the uncertainty, the chaos I know will ensue, you will be loved. You will be cherished. You are wanted! When you cry, I'll hold you. I'll snuggle you. I'll comfort you in any way I can. I will do my best to be the best for you. I don't know what we're walking into here in just a few weeks but I know you will fulfill our lives in a way we didn't even know needed fulfilling. God gave you to me and chose me to be your mommy. I don't take that lightly. We're all ready to meet you! Our prayer is that you continue to grow healthy, smart, and strong. We'll see you in just a few short weeks!

Beringer Boy,
Son, where do I begin with you? I can't believe you are two years old. I know from here on out I will be saying this every year on your birthday. You are my pride and joy. We have a special bond that can never be broken. You have taught me so many things and I'm sure this is only the beginning. I love to see your love for life. Your love of music! I pray you will be a good big brother. I pray you will be a protector and a leader. I pray that in life you will live up to your name and have courage like a bear. Stand for what's right and true. I pray I can teach you how to be an honest, Godly man. In a few weeks, your world will change and although you don't know it yet, having a sibling will be the coolest thing in the world. You will have a friend for life (just don't go all Cain and Abel. Seriously, don't!).

You are loved. You were loved from the first moment I knew of you. You have been loved, and you will forever be loved. Know that I will always be your biggest fan in life. I will stand behind you. When you screw up, because that's just part of life, I will stand back and let you learn your lesson, then I will tell you to get up and keep going. Don't be a quitter and always persevere. You are strong. You are a child of the King!

My boys,

I am your mother. I have carried you within me. I have spent and will spend sleepless nights holding you, rocking you, comforting you. I will first and foremost be your mama before anything else. You give me joy, peace, frustration, gray hair.. I will pray for you, guide you, teach you, and when it's time for me to let you be men and live your lives, I will let you go. My love and prayers will follow you.

Love always,

Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations".

Joshua 1:6a "Be strong and of a good courage..."

Thursday, February 9, 2017

For Moms Only...Let's Be Real

Hey guys, if you didn't know it; we're pregnant again and having a boy. His name will be Boston James and he is due the first week of June. For the time being it looks like I'll continue to be a "boy mom" and I'm perfectly okay with that.
I'd like to think I will have it a little easier since I have experienced this before with Beringer but if I'm being real with you...I'm also a little terrified. Why? Because it's new. Because I don't know what it will look like. Because even now I carry most of the load of raising our son and will be doing it with two in just a few short months. Can I do it? Of course I can. Will God give me strength, wisdom, and guidance on how to be the best mom I can be for my boys? Without a doubt, He will. Maybe it's the hormones talking; the lack of sleep, or whatever you want to chalk it up to but even now I am emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained at the end of the day. Don't misunderstand. I love my son. I love my husband. I love the son growing inside me. I couldn't imagine doing life without them. But how do I recharge myself?

Moms, how do you do it? Let's be real. Give me some pointers. Me writing this right now is literally the first thing I've done in a while that I enjoy doing for myself but I'm also writing this layimg next to my sleeping son who wakes up within minutes of me leaving the bed. By the time Beringer goes go sleep at night and I'm relaxed enough for some "me time" my brain is too tired to do anything of use. I've tried a nice bubble bath to wind down but I either get disgusted because I realize I need to scrub the tile or a little boy wants to join me to play with the bubbles and his toys. I've tried reading books but those are few and far between. If I just try to be still and spend some alone time with God (for the few sporatic minutes of silence I do have here and there) my mind wanders on everything. I can't focus. The hour I get in church on Sundays by myself is sometimes the only calm I get during the week...I'm just being real. Half the time I don't even go to the bathroom or shower alone. Most of the time I'm okay with this but sometimes I just can't.

I have an awesome mom's group that gets together when we can for zoo trips and play dates. They show me I'm not alone in this. Many are going through the same things on different levels.

I just feel like I'm in a constant cycle of being wife and mommy, house keeper, laundry doer, grocery shopper, bill payer and on and on and on. I don't work full time outside of home. I barely work part time. Yet, my plate is always full.
Josh works oilfield and works either 12hr shifts or days at a time depending on the job. He was just gone for 2 weeks straight down in Texas. This is hard. I am beyond thankful he has the job he does and that he works as hard as he does for us. Here's what's more difficult. When he comes home, he wants to rest. He wants to do what he wants to do. And most of the time he gets exactly what he wants. Mom's, I'm not trying to bash my hardworking husband. I have my own flaws I know he can easily point out. That's not what I'm trying to do here. How did you find a happy medium with your husbands? I'm still trying to find mine and although it's tiresome and cumbersome; sometimes I find it's easier to just stop asking, nagging, and dropping hints and just do whatever it is on my own.

I'm truly not trying to make this a pity party. I am very aware others have it much harder than I do. I can think of several people right now I would not want to trade places with and thank God for thr countless blessings He's given and continues to give. I have family who would drop everything and be there in an instant if I asked them to (I have asked before). But let's be real, my son is not their responsibility. They do watch him for me when I go to work a few hours twice a week and on the occasional date night. They love it. Beringer loves it. I love that they have that time together.

I'm looking for advice from moms who have been where I am at currently. Be real with me. What helps? What doesn't? For me; for today, it was a hard ugly-cry session.

This post probably didn't help anyone today but it was therapeutic to me.

Until next time,