Wednesday, July 12, 2017

You Love Me, Mommy

A month into parenting two and let me tell you, it's not easy. Some aspects are easier this go around but over all it takes more strategy, better prioritizing, more work, less sleep, and asking for more help. It definitely "takes a village". Beringer is helpful one minute and not so much the next. His little world has turned upside down and he's handling it like a champ. He loves his baby brother and wants to love and kiss on him all the time. If Boston is not in the same room as Beringer, he wants to know why. He waits for him to wake up in the mornings and when he sees him starting to stir he tells me, "He's waking up!", then he will get right next to Boston and say, "Good morning, Boston James!". Over all, it's been a great transition with no major issues but let me tell you about the one thing that broke my heart just a little bit. 

I knew Beringer would need that one on one special time with both mommy and daddy after Boston's arrival. We had each been taking time with him throughout the day to do just that.  One morning, probably a week after Boston was born, Beringer woke up and he was upset and crying. He wanted to lay in a certain spot, a certain way etc, and nothing I was doing would suffice. I woke Josh up and told him to take Boston from me because I thought Beringer maybe just wanted me to snuggle him. When I handed Boston over, I turned back to Beringer with my arms open and said, "Come here, baby. Let me love on you". He came into my arms and I pulled him in close when he asked," You love me, Mommy?" Guys, my world literally stopped for a half second. My sight became blurry because of the tears and I whispered in his ear, "I love you so much.  I love you more than you will ever know." I kissed him all over his face and kept telling him how much I loved him.  He asked twice more during all of this but the questions then turned to statements. Rather than, "You love me, Mommy?" They turned into you, "You love me,  Mommy!". 
Later that day I was playing the scene over in my mind and I just thought,  "He should never have to ask or wonder". He is my first born! He made me a mommy. He will never understand how I watched him sleep at night as an infant because I wanted to make sure he was breathing.  How I would listen to his every sound.  How I watch him and become over joyed when he's accomplished a new task. How i love the way he says the word chocolate, or remote. How I hurt for him when he is hurt, physically or emotionally.  How I have noticed every freckle and the gaps between his teeth.  He is just like me in nearly every way and I'd never be able to deny him.  Yet, he sat before me that very morning and asked if I loved him because he needed reassurance. 

Aren't we like that though? Things start to change in our life and maybe it gets pretty uncomfortable. We start questioning God and need his reassurance. "Hey, God, everything is still okay, right?",  "You still love me,  God?"
He tells us time and time again of his love for us. The hair on our head is numbered. He loved us so much,  he sent his Son. Yet, we ask. Can you imagine what goes through His mind or how he feels when we ask Him? "How can he not know how much I love him?" "Does she not understand how much she is cherished by Me?" I think you get the idea. 

How I want so much for my sons to never question my love for them. I know this is probably the first of hopefully just a handful of times they ask if I love them.  I pray when I fail them in that area, (because I know I will), they  will never wonder about God's love for them and they'll come to me if they need reassurance of my love and let me whisper in their ear, "I love you" until that little question in their mind once again becomes an exclamation. 

If you're reading this,  I love you. God loves you way more! 

Until next time,  

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