Sunday, June 17, 2018

Beautiful Mess

It's been a while since I've written! I didn't realize it's been so long. Per the usual, something happens that hits my heart and I have to share with all of you.

These last few weeks have been hectic to say the least. Josh has been working with little to no days off lately because Halliburton has been so busy here. As thankful as I am for my hardworking husband,  his job, and those paychecks, he needs a few days off and so do I. Playing the single parent is not easy! My hat is off to those who are single parents and probably working a full time job as well.

Keeping up with a 3 year old and a 1 year old has kept me on my toes. I'm constantly chasing, feeding, cleaning, bathing... you get the idea. After a near melt down the other day, due to only getting about an hour or so of sleep the night before, I was both physically and mentally exhausted.

Last night, during a late dinner, i was thinking about my list of things to do to get the boys ready for bed; the 2 loads of laundry that needed to be folded, the sheets on my bed that have sand from two little boys that like to play in the sand box (especially AFTER their bath), the dishes I knew that could wait til morning, when my very quick Boston James stuck his fingers in the sour cream/salsa mix and began drawing on the table. I wasn't mad. He was playing happily and I could wipe up the table. I got up, got a rag,  and started wiping Boston down. Out of the blue Beringer says, "Mom, look at that beautiful mess!" Yeah,  that hit my heart. In that moment I stopped and thanked God for the beautiful mess He blessed me with.

For every finger printed window and bathroom mirror, for every spill, for every dirty face, every, "It was an accident", "I didn't mean to."; every sand covered scalp and toys scattered everywhere; I am thankful.  I am so thankful for the beautiful mess.

It's not always easy. It's often frustrating and difficult. God, in His infinite wisdom, didn't promise ease. He said childbirth would be painful. He said he'd never give us more than we could bear. He said children are a blessing from Him. He's especially fond of His own.

This time of beautiful messes will soon pass and I will be wishing for that time back. I pray I never take it for granted and hold my ornery boys a little tighter; just a little longer. May I remember that with every peanut butter and jelly face is a blue eyed boy with a smile just for me. Every muddy footprint on my tile means I have little boys who seek adventure. Every moment is special and every mess is temporary, but beautiful.

Happy Father's Day to every Father and Father figure out there.  Happy Father's day to the mother's who are stepping up when there is no father in the picture.

A special shout out to my own father who has raised strong, independent kids and who's an excellent G to his grandsons. To my Father in law: thank you for raising a son who works hard and loves his family. Thank you for being a fun Pop-Pop to your grand-boys. Lastly, to my husband: Thank you for being a loving husband and awesome daddy to our sons. I couldn't imagine life without you in it.

Until next time,

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Prayer Time

I know I just posted the other day but i felt compelled to share what happened tonight and it's a little long for a Facebook post.

While going through our nightly bedtime routine the last few things to do were our prayer and then I rub Beringer's back 'til he falls asleep. Beringer was tired and I was mentally exhausted. I thought about skipping prayer time and just telling him to roll on his side so I could rub his back. I get Boston situated in my lap and latched on. I turn to tell Beringer to let me rub his back when I see I him holding his hand out and he says, "Hold my hand, Mama. Let's pray." Father gently reminded me of so much in just those few words and an outreached hand.

He reminded me I'm raising boys to be Godly men. He reminded me to pray without ceasing. He reminded me to pray regardless of how I feel. He reminded me that He chose me to lead and guide my sons. He reminded me that it's not about me and all about Him. I'm the example my boys will see on a day to day basis. He reminded me of my need for Him. He reminded me of all these things and my response was, "Forgive me". To Beringer I said, "Yes, let's pray". I then took his little boy hand with dirt under his fingernails (even after a bath) and prayed.

We have prayed nearly every night for a while now and sometimes Beringer will tell me to pray for certain people. We have prayed over situations, we have prayed for healing. I have seen God begin answering big prayers. The power of prayer is awesome. The power of prayer from a child's heart is miraculous. I think Jesus listens extra close to the heart of a child.

Matthew 19:14
  But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.

Until next time,

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Just Thankful

Well, with Thanksgiving tomorrow I'm sitting here rocking Boston and watching both my boys sleep, reminiscing over the last year and thinking about everything I have to be thankful for. Josh is working right now and the house is completely quiet except the sound of my boys' breathing. I haven't written in a few months. Obviously, you know why; having two boys keeps me busy. I still need to write though, so here I am.

Guys, I'm just thankful. Beyond thankful for what God has done this last year. Few know I miscarried before Boston.  I was not very far along and knew the risk of miscarriage is higher in the first 6 weeks.  2 weeks after the miscarriage God gave us Boston. I have learned since having Boston that it is very rare to get pregnant that quick after miscarriage. I guess God decided to bless us sooner rather than later. Although I wonder often what that second child would have been like, I can't imagine my life without Boston. After going to two different OBs, I was tired of getting told what to do and how to handle different situations. I asked Josh to consider a midwife and let me do a home birth. As soon as I walked into Community Midwives I knew that's where I was supposed to be. I was able to have Boston at home the way I wanted and where I felt most comfortable. I am so thankful for the team of midwives and doulas I had. I knew my voice was being heard and i had the best one on one care.

While pregnant with Boston God told me to quit my job. Now I get to stay home with my two boys and I'm not worried about what I'm supposed to do to keep up my license.  Eventually, I'll go back to work but only when God tells me to move. Right now, these boys are my job. I'm so thankful that Josh can provide for our family to where I have that option to stay home. I know that's not possible for every family.  

During this last year, 3 family members received the news that they had cancer. My one year old nephew rang the cancer-free bell yesterday.  My grandfather is finished with his radiation and doing fine.  My aunt is currently going through chemo and, from what I understand,  this type of cancer is very treatable. I've seen God's hand move time and time again and can't deny Him the praise he deserves.

While the oilfield has been slow, and there were a few tight times financially, God came through with little unforseen blessings. He has reminded us to be faithful to him and He will take care of the rest. Work has been fairly consistent for Josh and we know it's simply God's favor. 

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm bragging because that's not what I'm trying to do. I'm simply acknowledging the goodness of God and His blessings on my family. I told you, I just have a lot to be thankful for.  

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday of the year. As a kid, it was because of the pumpkin pie and other delicious food. As I've gotten older, it's because thankfulness does the heart and mind good. This time of year reminds me to be thankful in ALL things and in ALL THINGS be content.

Happy Thanksgiving! 
Until next time, 

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

You Love Me, Mommy

A month into parenting two and let me tell you, it's not easy. Some aspects are easier this go around but over all it takes more strategy, better prioritizing, more work, less sleep, and asking for more help. It definitely "takes a village". Beringer is helpful one minute and not so much the next. His little world has turned upside down and he's handling it like a champ. He loves his baby brother and wants to love and kiss on him all the time. If Boston is not in the same room as Beringer, he wants to know why. He waits for him to wake up in the mornings and when he sees him starting to stir he tells me, "He's waking up!", then he will get right next to Boston and say, "Good morning, Boston James!". Over all, it's been a great transition with no major issues but let me tell you about the one thing that broke my heart just a little bit. 

I knew Beringer would need that one on one special time with both mommy and daddy after Boston's arrival. We had each been taking time with him throughout the day to do just that.  One morning, probably a week after Boston was born, Beringer woke up and he was upset and crying. He wanted to lay in a certain spot, a certain way etc, and nothing I was doing would suffice. I woke Josh up and told him to take Boston from me because I thought Beringer maybe just wanted me to snuggle him. When I handed Boston over, I turned back to Beringer with my arms open and said, "Come here, baby. Let me love on you". He came into my arms and I pulled him in close when he asked," You love me, Mommy?" Guys, my world literally stopped for a half second. My sight became blurry because of the tears and I whispered in his ear, "I love you so much.  I love you more than you will ever know." I kissed him all over his face and kept telling him how much I loved him.  He asked twice more during all of this but the questions then turned to statements. Rather than, "You love me, Mommy?" They turned into you, "You love me,  Mommy!". 
Later that day I was playing the scene over in my mind and I just thought,  "He should never have to ask or wonder". He is my first born! He made me a mommy. He will never understand how I watched him sleep at night as an infant because I wanted to make sure he was breathing.  How I would listen to his every sound.  How I watch him and become over joyed when he's accomplished a new task. How i love the way he says the word chocolate, or remote. How I hurt for him when he is hurt, physically or emotionally.  How I have noticed every freckle and the gaps between his teeth.  He is just like me in nearly every way and I'd never be able to deny him.  Yet, he sat before me that very morning and asked if I loved him because he needed reassurance. 

Aren't we like that though? Things start to change in our life and maybe it gets pretty uncomfortable. We start questioning God and need his reassurance. "Hey, God, everything is still okay, right?",  "You still love me,  God?"
He tells us time and time again of his love for us. The hair on our head is numbered. He loved us so much,  he sent his Son. Yet, we ask. Can you imagine what goes through His mind or how he feels when we ask Him? "How can he not know how much I love him?" "Does she not understand how much she is cherished by Me?" I think you get the idea. 

How I want so much for my sons to never question my love for them. I know this is probably the first of hopefully just a handful of times they ask if I love them.  I pray when I fail them in that area, (because I know I will), they  will never wonder about God's love for them and they'll come to me if they need reassurance of my love and let me whisper in their ear, "I love you" until that little question in their mind once again becomes an exclamation. 

If you're reading this,  I love you. God loves you way more! 

Until next time,  

Friday, April 14, 2017

To My Sons

Baby Boston,

I am going to be honest with you when I say, "I don't know how to do this". I don't know what having another child in my world will be like. Will I give you enough attention? Will your brother get enough attention? Can I do it? Sometimes I feel like I'm going to go crazy with just your older brother. Will having another son make me lose all sanity?
We have almost 7 weeks until your due date and I have nothing ready for you. I don't know where to start. So much time and effort was put into things I thought would be important when I was pregnant with your brother. I now know, looking back, it wasn't necessary and somewhat a waste of time and energy. So I choose to skip those things this time around and make sure you have necessities. Diapers, clothes, and a place to sleep.

In all the questions, all the unknown; I want you to know one thing. No matter what, you are loved. Above the confusion, the uncertainty, the chaos I know will ensue, you will be loved. You will be cherished. You are wanted! When you cry, I'll hold you. I'll snuggle you. I'll comfort you in any way I can. I will do my best to be the best for you. I don't know what we're walking into here in just a few weeks but I know you will fulfill our lives in a way we didn't even know needed fulfilling. God gave you to me and chose me to be your mommy. I don't take that lightly. We're all ready to meet you! Our prayer is that you continue to grow healthy, smart, and strong. We'll see you in just a few short weeks!

Beringer Boy,
Son, where do I begin with you? I can't believe you are two years old. I know from here on out I will be saying this every year on your birthday. You are my pride and joy. We have a special bond that can never be broken. You have taught me so many things and I'm sure this is only the beginning. I love to see your love for life. Your love of music! I pray you will be a good big brother. I pray you will be a protector and a leader. I pray that in life you will live up to your name and have courage like a bear. Stand for what's right and true. I pray I can teach you how to be an honest, Godly man. In a few weeks, your world will change and although you don't know it yet, having a sibling will be the coolest thing in the world. You will have a friend for life (just don't go all Cain and Abel. Seriously, don't!).

You are loved. You were loved from the first moment I knew of you. You have been loved, and you will forever be loved. Know that I will always be your biggest fan in life. I will stand behind you. When you screw up, because that's just part of life, I will stand back and let you learn your lesson, then I will tell you to get up and keep going. Don't be a quitter and always persevere. You are strong. You are a child of the King!

My boys,

I am your mother. I have carried you within me. I have spent and will spend sleepless nights holding you, rocking you, comforting you. I will first and foremost be your mama before anything else. You give me joy, peace, frustration, gray hair.. I will pray for you, guide you, teach you, and when it's time for me to let you be men and live your lives, I will let you go. My love and prayers will follow you.

Love always,

Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations".

Joshua 1:6a "Be strong and of a good courage..."

Thursday, February 9, 2017

For Moms Only...Let's Be Real

Hey guys, if you didn't know it; we're pregnant again and having a boy. His name will be Boston James and he is due the first week of June. For the time being it looks like I'll continue to be a "boy mom" and I'm perfectly okay with that.
I'd like to think I will have it a little easier since I have experienced this before with Beringer but if I'm being real with you...I'm also a little terrified. Why? Because it's new. Because I don't know what it will look like. Because even now I carry most of the load of raising our son and will be doing it with two in just a few short months. Can I do it? Of course I can. Will God give me strength, wisdom, and guidance on how to be the best mom I can be for my boys? Without a doubt, He will. Maybe it's the hormones talking; the lack of sleep, or whatever you want to chalk it up to but even now I am emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained at the end of the day. Don't misunderstand. I love my son. I love my husband. I love the son growing inside me. I couldn't imagine doing life without them. But how do I recharge myself?

Moms, how do you do it? Let's be real. Give me some pointers. Me writing this right now is literally the first thing I've done in a while that I enjoy doing for myself but I'm also writing this layimg next to my sleeping son who wakes up within minutes of me leaving the bed. By the time Beringer goes go sleep at night and I'm relaxed enough for some "me time" my brain is too tired to do anything of use. I've tried a nice bubble bath to wind down but I either get disgusted because I realize I need to scrub the tile or a little boy wants to join me to play with the bubbles and his toys. I've tried reading books but those are few and far between. If I just try to be still and spend some alone time with God (for the few sporatic minutes of silence I do have here and there) my mind wanders on everything. I can't focus. The hour I get in church on Sundays by myself is sometimes the only calm I get during the week...I'm just being real. Half the time I don't even go to the bathroom or shower alone. Most of the time I'm okay with this but sometimes I just can't.

I have an awesome mom's group that gets together when we can for zoo trips and play dates. They show me I'm not alone in this. Many are going through the same things on different levels.

I just feel like I'm in a constant cycle of being wife and mommy, house keeper, laundry doer, grocery shopper, bill payer and on and on and on. I don't work full time outside of home. I barely work part time. Yet, my plate is always full.
Josh works oilfield and works either 12hr shifts or days at a time depending on the job. He was just gone for 2 weeks straight down in Texas. This is hard. I am beyond thankful he has the job he does and that he works as hard as he does for us. Here's what's more difficult. When he comes home, he wants to rest. He wants to do what he wants to do. And most of the time he gets exactly what he wants. Mom's, I'm not trying to bash my hardworking husband. I have my own flaws I know he can easily point out. That's not what I'm trying to do here. How did you find a happy medium with your husbands? I'm still trying to find mine and although it's tiresome and cumbersome; sometimes I find it's easier to just stop asking, nagging, and dropping hints and just do whatever it is on my own.

I'm truly not trying to make this a pity party. I am very aware others have it much harder than I do. I can think of several people right now I would not want to trade places with and thank God for thr countless blessings He's given and continues to give. I have family who would drop everything and be there in an instant if I asked them to (I have asked before). But let's be real, my son is not their responsibility. They do watch him for me when I go to work a few hours twice a week and on the occasional date night. They love it. Beringer loves it. I love that they have that time together.

I'm looking for advice from moms who have been where I am at currently. Be real with me. What helps? What doesn't? For me; for today, it was a hard ugly-cry session.

This post probably didn't help anyone today but it was therapeutic to me.

Until next time,

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Decisions Decisions

It's been a little bit since I wrote last and within the last week I have been wanting to sit down and write again. Josh and I celebrated 5 years of marriage this last weekend. I can't believe it's been 5 years already. As I look back at our relatively short time we've been married God has led us through so much and all I can do is praise Him for his goodness to us. We've been through nursing school (twice; if you don't know the story, ask me later), we've been through the oilfield slowing down tremendously, Josh having to be off of work because of his eye issue he had for a while there, his father with cancer, living in a duplex in Burns Flat to living in our camper for a year (while going through nursing school), then buying a house, and lastly having our son. We have had several ups and downs but God has always been faithful.

Beringer is almost 19 months old now and he amazes me every day. He talks constantly and is always asking to watch "HooHooHaaHaa" which being interpreted means Curious George. He loves running after our chickens, feeding them, and watering them. He is always wanting to go outside and explore. He is sassy, loveable, smart, and loves to have stories read to him.

Since Beringer has come along and turned our world upside down I am learning more and more how at the end of the day all that matters is family. I've been working through some personal things the last month or so and God continues to speak these words over me, "I have made you. I have chosen you to be the wife and mother you are". I remind myself of these words when I get angry, hurt, upset, or frustrated... with those around me. Some do not understand because they do not have children of their own or are just plain rude. Others just like to give me advice on how I should be doing things differently for my son because of how they raised their own children. In turn, I choose not to be around those who frustrate/hurt me because of their lack of knowledge/experience and for those who give me advice on how to raise Beringer I just remind them they already had the opportunity to raise their children and the choices I make in raising mine is of my concern alone. Then I go in the bedroom, hold my son, and pray for patience and peace. God reminds me of who I am. He reminds me of the most important task He has given me. He reminds me how He has equipped me with everything I'll need to fulfill His purpose in my life. I am growing. I am changing. It hurts but it is liberating. I am making new revelation. Don't get me wrong. I am not saying I know everything there is to being a mother. I listen to wise counsel and heed sound advice but when I am belittled for my choices or excluded because of my son, I have to decide how to handle each situation as they come. Some are easier to make than others but each decision is made with my son's best interest in mind. It all comes down to family. They are what matter.

I guess my point is this: Things are going to happen in life that will make you re-evaluate decisions, ways you are living, how time is spent. People will come and people will go. Everyone will have an opinion or their two cents to put in. There are those that will say they want to spend time with you but make no attempts at seeing you. People will hurt you. It is what you do in response that matters. It's about loving in spite of anger or hurt. It's about who's still standing there beside you when the dust settles. It's about family or those you consider family.

I would love to sit and write so much more but I can't. Beringer just woke up and he needs to go back to sleep. Just remember who is important. If you're a mom struggling with some of the issues I talked about above- YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are valuable, important, and have a high calling. You are raising sons and daughters to grow up to be loving, respectable, honest adults. You have to make decisions for them now that will allow them to thrive. Whether that means stepping away from people who don't understand how truly valuable your child is or if it means to stand your ground on decisions you've made in raising your child; God will guide you. Let him.

Until next time,