I Know Who Holds Tomorrow

It's been a few months. What's happened since then? Not much and everything in between. My hands have been itching to write for about a week now and it takes me a little while to really know what it is I'm supposed to write about. This morning, on the way home from church it hit me and now I know. We'll get to that though.

We are having a girl if you happened to miss it on Facebook. Benelli Rayne Rogers should make her appearance mid-November unless she surprises us. I am almost 27 weeks along now and feeling great. I am tired more but don't know if that's from chasing two boys around (who are now 4 and 2) or if it's because of the pregnancy. The boys are beyond excited for their baby sister and Josh already knows he'll be wrapped around her tiny finger. The boys start a pre-k/preschool program next week that will be Tuesday/Thursday. They are both excited and it will give me some time to prepare for Benelli and get my continuing education classes for my LPN done before my license is up in November. Josh is still working crazy hours although work has slowed down quite a bit with it pushing towards the end of the year. He still keeps pretty busy though and for that I'm thankful.

Part of our nighttime routine while putting the boys to sleep is I'll sing to them after story and prayers. We have a few staple songs I sing every time because it's their favorites and then I just start singing whatever comes to mind. Two songs I have sang to them fairly consistently are His Eye is On the Sparrow and I Know Who Holds Tomorrow. These have been placed on my heart continually and I find myself singing them throughout the day sometimes also.

The last few months I've been anxious about some things. Anxious about what the future will look like; questioning myself, questioning God. Am I making the right decisions for my children? Can I be doing better? What are they lacking?

If you don't know, I am no longer speaking to my father. I could go into all the details but to save me time and tears, long story short, he made a bad decision. One he has made several times throughout my life that has caused heartache, insecurities, and a slew of other things I should probably go to therapy for. This time, it happened with my own children and it affected them. I was not given the opportunity growing up to get out of the situation. I will not allow the feelings of insecurity, lack of self worth, and questions of being loved to have a place in the life of my children. Beringer understands his G made a wrong choice and he understands that I will not allow him to be part of his life unless I feel he has truly changed and not just putting on a show for everyone to see; (He is a great actor and can play the part for a long time). Beringer says something about him at least once a week and every time it hurts. It hurts me for what my father did. I hurt for my sons. It hurts me for the future I thought they would have with their grandparents that they don't have now. They are missing out on so much but I know I am keeping them emotionally from so much hurt also. I get mad all the time about the situation I've been put in; that my family has been put in.

Many other small things that accumulate into big things which cause anxiety and worry on my part that I have no control over. Today in church I Know Who Holds Tomorrow was sung and I absolutely lost it. I mean tears down my cheek and snot running. I know God did that just for me; reminding me He is there every step of the way. This is why it's been on my heart the last few weeks. In case you aren't familiar with the song or need a refresher, here it is:

"God sent His son, they called Him Jesus
He came to love, heal and forgive
He lived and died to buy my pardon
An empty grave is there to prove my savior lives

 

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living, just because He lives

 

And then one day, I'll cross the river
I'll fight life's final war with pain
And then, as death gives way to victory
I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He reigns

 

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living, just because He lives"

 

He's got this. I don't know what the future will look like for my family. I have a little girl coming and I don't know if she'll meet her grandfather. I don't know if my sons will be mad at me one day for keeping them away or understanding my reasoning behind it. I don't know if in 10 years my father will make the same decisions he's made every other time. Too many question marks. Too much hurt. Too many things I'm not willing to put my children through on only the hope of broken promises. It makes my heart beat faster, my eyes well with tears, and yet... yet, I am reminded God is in control and Jesus is enough. Right now, as I am typing, my little girl is jumping around inside me and God's goodness overwhelms me. He will lead me and my family down the path we need to follow. I have forgiven my father and sometimes have to forgive him several times a day. If true repentance has come, God has already forgotten his sin because of the blood of Jesus. He loves my father as much as he loves my children. He knows the number of hairs on our head and if He cares for the sparrows, He surely cares for us. I have to trust Him daily. I need Him daily. I am still learning to rest on his promises and learning how to cope with anxiety and fear. Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. He holds the future. He's already been there. I find that I still live in fear but am learning how to live in victory.

 

Until next time,

ActionJacksontheAngloSaxon