My Little Spit Fire

Hey, Everyone! I know it's been a little bit since I wrote last but time is tight with three kiddos; it's a 24/7 kind of thing. There has been quite a bit going on in our lives the last few months with Josh being laid off and Covid-19 craziness but God has been faithful and good to us. We are walking into a new season of life as a family and we are praying for God's guidance as we figure out each new step.

The whole reason for this post tonight is actually because of my Boston James. I don't know if it's because his birthday is tomorrow or if it was just laid on my heart but let me tell you what happened tonight. I am writing this all down because I want him to be able to look back at what I have written one day and read these words. I  also want YOU to know just how special I think my Bossy Boy is. 

I believe God showed me something about my son that I want to share with you and I want him to be able to reference later in life. I feel it is so important for me to write this for him. 

Tonight I am praying over my kids while they are falling asleep. I begin first by praying for Beringer and for his inquisitive spirit to lead him to seek answers from God; to question and be curious and seek out the things of God. I then begin praying for Boston. I am praying for his fiery spirit to cause him to be on fire for God. Suddenly, this dream/vision (whatever you want to call it) comes to my mind and hits me so hard. I see my son on top of the world with a fire burning underneath him and he is yelling SO LOUD to everyone below him!

 I then revert back to memories of his birth; how he came into this world so hard and fast. Even at his birth I remember thinking, "This boy is gonna be a spit fire!". I just knew he was going to be a force to be reckoned with.

 As I am continuing to pray over him, I know I need to go find Josh and have him take a few minutes to cover our younger boy in prayer also; it's almost an urgency in my spirit to do this. Once we are both praying over Boston, the word 'fire' is just stuck in my mind and I am praying that the fire of God overtakes him. God then gives me these words, "Fire for Fire" and it just keeps repeating as I see Boston as a grown man with a fire burning so close behind him it seemed to be part of him. He was standing toe to toe with someone else who had a fire behind them too but their fire was a different color than his own. It was as if both of their fires were battling and Boston's was getting larger and larger while the other couldn't keep up. 

In my mind's eye, I then see David preparing to take on Goliath when David tells Goliath,"You come to me with all this armor but I come with the Lord of hosts".

"Fire for Fire" continues to repeat in my mind as I once again see my grown son in officer blues walking down the street preparing for a spiritual battle with a fire burning so brightly behind him it is as if that fire is what is pushing him forward and singeing everything within it's reach. The look on Boston's face is so focused and hard as he walks with a purpose towards whatever is in front of him with the fire beginning to surround him.

Just like that, it's as if I wake up. The dream/vision is over and I realize I have been crying and Josh is holding my hand. Y'all, I don't know what the future holds for my second child but I am praying protection and a Holy Fire to reign down on him. 

I think DC Talk said it best in their song God's Not Dead with these lines:

"Let heaven roar, and fire fall

Come shake the ground

With the sound of revival"

Until next time,

ActionJacksontheAngloSaxon

Song in My Heart

It's a few days into the new year and tonight I'm not exhausted and want to write. I've been wanting to write for a while now but... babies.  Need I say more?
Benelli Rayne made her appearance mid November and she made me wait all day before making a debut. I have to be honest when I say, she has been my most difficult child and she's not even 2 months old yet. Gas, constipation and sickness; I have more grays on my head than I've ever seen before. Josh has been working in North Dakota the last few weeks and as thankful as I am that he still has a job and working as much as he is, it's terrible timing. Thankfully, I have my mom, mother-in-law and sister all helping out. Otherwise, I would be a lot worse off mentally. I think we are finally seeing an end to some of the issues at hand but I'm not holding my breath til I know for sure.
The boys are in love with their baby sister and Beringer has been my biggest little helper. They talk to her and love on her all the time (which is probably why we haven't kicked these viruses 100% yet).

I don't really know what the point of this post is but it's on my heart to share what I'm about to so maybe it's not for me at all, I don't know.
As y'all know, I sing to the boys every night and after our few regulars I will start to sing whatever comes to mind. About 2 weeks ago I just started worshiping and crying out to God in song from my own heart. I'll do that sometimes but it's few and far between in song. I'm supposed to share it now with you:
 
Help me to love like You, oh God
To love just like You
For You are love, oh God
Never changing and true

Help me to trust You
Through the highs and the lows
I turn my face toward You
When I don't know where to go

Please promise You'll catch me
With arms open wide
I can't do this alone
It's in You I hide

And when I'm down in the valley
The valley so low
Will You carry me
I am too weak on my own

When I'm up on that mountain
That mountain so high
Can I stand on your shoulders
And raise my hands to the sky

Let me praise You, God
I just want to praise You
My heart is Yours
My heart is Yours

I'll praise You in the valley
I'll praise You on the mountain top
My hands I raise to You
May I never stop praising You

You've never failed me
You'll never fail me
You haven't failed me yet

No, You can never fail
You never have and You never will
You never will fail me, God

I don't know why I was to share all that with you but God knows. He really never will fail us. He can't. Ever.  He doesn't hold things over our heads. It's not His nature. He IS love. We can rest in that.  Be at peace with whatever is going on in life and know God is bigger.

Until next time,
ActionjacksontheAngloSaxon

I Know Who Holds Tomorrow

It's been a few months. What's happened since then? Not much and everything in between. My hands have been itching to write for about a week now and it takes me a little while to really know what it is I'm supposed to write about. This morning, on the way home from church it hit me and now I know. We'll get to that though.

We are having a girl if you happened to miss it on Facebook. Benelli Rayne Rogers should make her appearance mid-November unless she surprises us. I am almost 27 weeks along now and feeling great. I am tired more but don't know if that's from chasing two boys around (who are now 4 and 2) or if it's because of the pregnancy. The boys are beyond excited for their baby sister and Josh already knows he'll be wrapped around her tiny finger. The boys start a pre-k/preschool program next week that will be Tuesday/Thursday. They are both excited and it will give me some time to prepare for Benelli and get my continuing education classes for my LPN done before my license is up in November. Josh is still working crazy hours although work has slowed down quite a bit with it pushing towards the end of the year. He still keeps pretty busy though and for that I'm thankful.

Part of our nighttime routine while putting the boys to sleep is I'll sing to them after story and prayers. We have a few staple songs I sing every time because it's their favorites and then I just start singing whatever comes to mind. Two songs I have sang to them fairly consistently are His Eye is On the Sparrow and I Know Who Holds Tomorrow. These have been placed on my heart continually and I find myself singing them throughout the day sometimes also.

The last few months I've been anxious about some things. Anxious about what the future will look like; questioning myself, questioning God. Am I making the right decisions for my children? Can I be doing better? What are they lacking?

If you don't know, I am no longer speaking to my father. I could go into all the details but to save me time and tears, long story short, he made a bad decision. One he has made several times throughout my life that has caused heartache, insecurities, and a slew of other things I should probably go to therapy for. This time, it happened with my own children and it affected them. I was not given the opportunity growing up to get out of the situation. I will not allow the feelings of insecurity, lack of self worth, and questions of being loved to have a place in the life of my children. Beringer understands his G made a wrong choice and he understands that I will not allow him to be part of his life unless I feel he has truly changed and not just putting on a show for everyone to see; (He is a great actor and can play the part for a long time). Beringer says something about him at least once a week and every time it hurts. It hurts me for what my father did. I hurt for my sons. It hurts me for the future I thought they would have with their grandparents that they don't have now. They are missing out on so much but I know I am keeping them emotionally from so much hurt also. I get mad all the time about the situation I've been put in; that my family has been put in.

Many other small things that accumulate into big things which cause anxiety and worry on my part that I have no control over. Today in church I Know Who Holds Tomorrow was sung and I absolutely lost it. I mean tears down my cheek and snot running. I know God did that just for me; reminding me He is there every step of the way. This is why it's been on my heart the last few weeks. In case you aren't familiar with the song or need a refresher, here it is:

"God sent His son, they called Him Jesus
He came to love, heal and forgive
He lived and died to buy my pardon
An empty grave is there to prove my savior lives

 

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living, just because He lives

 

And then one day, I'll cross the river
I'll fight life's final war with pain
And then, as death gives way to victory
I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He reigns

 

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living, just because He lives"

 

He's got this. I don't know what the future will look like for my family. I have a little girl coming and I don't know if she'll meet her grandfather. I don't know if my sons will be mad at me one day for keeping them away or understanding my reasoning behind it. I don't know if in 10 years my father will make the same decisions he's made every other time. Too many question marks. Too much hurt. Too many things I'm not willing to put my children through on only the hope of broken promises. It makes my heart beat faster, my eyes well with tears, and yet... yet, I am reminded God is in control and Jesus is enough. Right now, as I am typing, my little girl is jumping around inside me and God's goodness overwhelms me. He will lead me and my family down the path we need to follow. I have forgiven my father and sometimes have to forgive him several times a day. If true repentance has come, God has already forgotten his sin because of the blood of Jesus. He loves my father as much as he loves my children. He knows the number of hairs on our head and if He cares for the sparrows, He surely cares for us. I have to trust Him daily. I need Him daily. I am still learning to rest on his promises and learning how to cope with anxiety and fear. Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. He holds the future. He's already been there. I find that I still live in fear but am learning how to live in victory.

 

Until next time,

ActionJacksontheAngloSaxon

Beautiful Mess

It's been a while since I've written! I didn't realize it's been so long. Per the usual, something happens that hits my heart and I have to share with all of you.

These last few weeks have been hectic to say the least. Josh has been working with little to no days off lately because Halliburton has been so busy here. As thankful as I am for my hardworking husband,  his job, and those paychecks, he needs a few days off and so do I. Playing the single parent is not easy! My hat is off to those who are single parents and probably working a full time job as well.


Keeping up with a 3 year old and a 1 year old has kept me on my toes. I'm constantly chasing, feeding, cleaning, bathing... you get the idea. After a near melt down the other day, due to only getting about an hour or so of sleep the night before, I was both physically and mentally exhausted.

Last night, during a late dinner, i was thinking about my list of things to do to get the boys ready for bed; the 2 loads of laundry that needed to be folded, the sheets on my bed that have sand from two little boys that like to play in the sand box (especially AFTER their bath), the dishes I knew that could wait til morning, when my very quick Boston James stuck his fingers in the sour cream/salsa mix and began drawing on the table. I wasn't mad. He was playing happily and I could wipe up the table. I got up, got a rag,  and started wiping Boston down. Out of the blue Beringer says, "Mom, look at that beautiful mess!" Yeah,  that hit my heart. In that moment I stopped and thanked God for the beautiful mess He blessed me with.

For every finger printed window and bathroom mirror, for every spill, for every dirty face, every, "It was an accident", "I didn't mean to."; every sand covered scalp and toys scattered everywhere; I am thankful.  I am so thankful for the beautiful mess.

It's not always easy. It's often frustrating and difficult. God, in His infinite wisdom, didn't promise ease. He said childbirth would be painful. He said he'd never give us more than we could bear. He said children are a blessing from Him. He's especially fond of His own.

This time of beautiful messes will soon pass and I will be wishing for that time back. I pray I never take it for granted and hold my ornery boys a little tighter; just a little longer. May I remember that with every peanut butter and jelly face is a blue eyed boy with a smile just for me. Every muddy footprint on my tile means I have little boys who seek adventure. Every moment is special and every mess is temporary, but beautiful.

Happy Father's Day to every Father and Father figure out there.  Happy Father's day to the mother's who are stepping up when there is no father in the picture.

A special shout out to my own father who has raised strong, independent kids and who's an excellent G to his grandsons. To my Father in law: thank you for raising a son who works hard and loves his family. Thank you for being a fun Pop-Pop to your grand-boys. Lastly, to my husband: Thank you for being a loving husband and awesome daddy to our sons. I couldn't imagine life without you in it.

Until next time,
ActionJacksontheAngloSaxon

Prayer Time

I know I just posted the other day but i felt compelled to share what happened tonight and it's a little long for a Facebook post.

While going through our nightly bedtime routine the last few things to do were our prayer and then I rub Beringer's back 'til he falls asleep. Beringer was tired and I was mentally exhausted. I thought about skipping prayer time and just telling him to roll on his side so I could rub his back. I get Boston situated in my lap and latched on. I turn to tell Beringer to let me rub his back when I see I him holding his hand out and he says, "Hold my hand, Mama. Let's pray." Father gently reminded me of so much in just those few words and an outreached hand.

He reminded me I'm raising boys to be Godly men. He reminded me to pray without ceasing. He reminded me to pray regardless of how I feel. He reminded me that He chose me to lead and guide my sons. He reminded me that it's not about me and all about Him. I'm the example my boys will see on a day to day basis. He reminded me of my need for Him. He reminded me of all these things and my response was, "Forgive me". To Beringer I said, "Yes, let's pray". I then took his little boy hand with dirt under his fingernails (even after a bath) and prayed.

We have prayed nearly every night for a while now and sometimes Beringer will tell me to pray for certain people. We have prayed over situations, we have prayed for healing. I have seen God begin answering big prayers. The power of prayer is awesome. The power of prayer from a child's heart is miraculous. I think Jesus listens extra close to the heart of a child.

Matthew 19:14
  But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.

Until next time,
ActionJacksontheAngloSaxon

Just Thankful

Well, with Thanksgiving tomorrow I'm sitting here rocking Boston and watching both my boys sleep, reminiscing over the last year and thinking about everything I have to be thankful for. Josh is working right now and the house is completely quiet except the sound of my boys' breathing. I haven't written in a few months. Obviously, you know why; having two boys keeps me busy. I still need to write though, so here I am.

Guys, I'm just thankful. Beyond thankful for what God has done this last year. Few know I miscarried before Boston.  I was not very far along and knew the risk of miscarriage is higher in the first 6 weeks.  2 weeks after the miscarriage God gave us Boston. I have learned since having Boston that it is very rare to get pregnant that quick after miscarriage. I guess God decided to bless us sooner rather than later. Although I wonder often what that second child would have been like, I can't imagine my life without Boston. After going to two different OBs, I was tired of getting told what to do and how to handle different situations. I asked Josh to consider a midwife and let me do a home birth. As soon as I walked into Community Midwives I knew that's where I was supposed to be. I was able to have Boston at home the way I wanted and where I felt most comfortable. I am so thankful for the team of midwives and doulas I had. I knew my voice was being heard and i had the best one on one care.

While pregnant with Boston God told me to quit my job. Now I get to stay home with my two boys and I'm not worried about what I'm supposed to do to keep up my license.  Eventually, I'll go back to work but only when God tells me to move. Right now, these boys are my job. I'm so thankful that Josh can provide for our family to where I have that option to stay home. I know that's not possible for every family.  

During this last year, 3 family members received the news that they had cancer. My one year old nephew rang the cancer-free bell yesterday.  My grandfather is finished with his radiation and doing fine.  My aunt is currently going through chemo and, from what I understand,  this type of cancer is very treatable. I've seen God's hand move time and time again and can't deny Him the praise he deserves.

While the oilfield has been slow, and there were a few tight times financially, God came through with little unforseen blessings. He has reminded us to be faithful to him and He will take care of the rest. Work has been fairly consistent for Josh and we know it's simply God's favor. 

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm bragging because that's not what I'm trying to do. I'm simply acknowledging the goodness of God and His blessings on my family. I told you, I just have a lot to be thankful for.  

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday of the year. As a kid, it was because of the pumpkin pie and other delicious food. As I've gotten older, it's because thankfulness does the heart and mind good. This time of year reminds me to be thankful in ALL things and in ALL THINGS be content.

Happy Thanksgiving! 

Until next time, 

ActionJacksontheAngloSaxon

You Love Me, Mommy

A month into parenting two and let me tell you, it's not easy. Some aspects are easier this go around but over all it takes more strategy, better prioritizing, more work, less sleep, and asking for more help. It definitely "takes a village". Beringer is helpful one minute and not so much the next. His little world has turned upside down and he's handling it like a champ. He loves his baby brother and wants to love and kiss on him all the time. If Boston is not in the same room as Beringer, he wants to know why. He waits for him to wake up in the mornings and when he sees him starting to stir he tells me, "He's waking up!", then he will get right next to Boston and say, "Good morning, Boston James!". Over all, it's been a great transition with no major issues but let me tell you about the one thing that broke my heart just a little bit. 

I knew Beringer would need that one on one special time with both mommy and daddy after Boston's arrival. We had each been taking time with him throughout the day to do just that.  One morning, probably a week after Boston was born, Beringer woke up and he was upset and crying. He wanted to lay in a certain spot, a certain way etc, and nothing I was doing would suffice. I woke Josh up and told him to take Boston from me because I thought Beringer maybe just wanted me to snuggle him. When I handed Boston over, I turned back to Beringer with my arms open and said, "Come here, baby. Let me love on you". He came into my arms and I pulled him in close when he asked," You love me, Mommy?" Guys, my world literally stopped for a half second. My sight became blurry because of the tears and I whispered in his ear, "I love you so much.  I love you more than you will ever know." I kissed him all over his face and kept telling him how much I loved him.  He asked twice more during all of this but the questions then turned to statements. Rather than, "You love me, Mommy?" They turned into you, "You love me,  Mommy!". 

Later that day I was playing the scene over in my mind and I just thought,  "He should never have to ask or wonder". He is my first born! He made me a mommy. He will never understand how I watched him sleep at night as an infant because I wanted to make sure he was breathing.  How I would listen to his every sound.  How I watch him and become over joyed when he's accomplished a new task. How i love the way he says the word chocolate, or remote. How I hurt for him when he is hurt, physically or emotionally.  How I have noticed every freckle and the gaps between his teeth.  He is just like me in nearly every way and I'd never be able to deny him.  Yet, he sat before me that very morning and asked if I loved him because he needed reassurance. 

Aren't we like that though? Things start to change in our life and maybe it gets pretty uncomfortable. We start questioning God and need his reassurance. "Hey, God, everything is still okay, right?",  "You still love me,  God?"

He tells us time and time again of his love for us. The hair on our head is numbered. He loved us so much,  he sent his Son. Yet, we ask. Can you imagine what goes through His mind or how he feels when we ask Him? "How can he not know how much I love him?" "Does she not understand how much she is cherished by Me?" I think you get the idea. 

How I want so much for my sons to never question my love for them. I know this is probably the first of hopefully just a handful of times they ask if I love them.  I pray when I fail them in that area, (because I know I will), they  will never wonder about God's love for them and they'll come to me if they need reassurance of my love and let me whisper in their ear, "I love you" until that little question in their mind once again becomes an exclamation. 

If you're reading this,  I love you. God loves you way more! 

Until next time,  

ActionJacksontheAngloSaxon